


hello, naruto

by CreepE



Category: Naruto
Genre: 5 + 1 Dad Jokes lol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 21:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7949887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreepE/pseuds/CreepE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minato takes this being a father thing a little too seriously. No one is amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hello, naruto

**Author's Note:**

> I screwed with the timeline ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Edit: I woke up this morning with a headache, the notion that I'd done something wrong, and a vague memory of my brother saying something involving Minato and Dad jokes.   
> In other words, I was so very drunk when I wrote this, and I apologize profusely.

“Minato!”

The bowl of sugary goodness that was to become cake suddenly became a mess on the floor as Minato dropped it to run to Kushina’s side, sliding down the hall in pink bunny slippers and a fluffy apron. Skidding to a halt beside her, he brought up his hands as if to ward off any invaders, peering around her suspiciously.

“Stop that,” she snapped, but her long crimson locks lay flat and she didn’t get upset in the slightest at his overprotectiveness. So… her crying out his name meant something good was going on instead of something bad? Minato gave her his full attention, noting her flushed cheeks, sparkling eyes, and twitching smile.

“What is it? What’s going on?” he asked, reaching out to twine their fingers together as he felt his own emotions begin to bubble happily. If Kushina was this thrilled, it must be something amazing.

“I’m… I…” Kushina laughed, wholesome and beautiful, as tears welled up in her eyes. “I’m pregnant!”

The emotions that were bubbling just beneath the surface suddenly expanded, filling Minato’s chest and exploding into things that couldn’t be put into words as his face lit up like a Christmas tree. Kushina was having their baby. _Kushina was having their baby!_

He let out a delighted yell and let go of her fingers to scoop her into his arms, spinning and laughing with her, planting kisses on her mouth as she squealed over and over again about how she was pregnant. Already Minato could see a little girl or boy toddling the halls, waving chubby fists, yelling out ‘Ma’ or ‘Da’ before his or her time, because obviously their kid would be _awesome_.

Because Kushina would be the mother, and Minato would be the father. _He would be a father!_

The thought made him set Kushina down, planting two hands on her shoulders and trying to hold back his laughter as he offered her a solemn look. She blinked in confusion up at him, a little nervous, a lot elated, and he spoke with the certain kind of grim determination only a father could speak with.

“Hello, pregnant. I’m Dad.”

He spent the rest of the afternoon running from his wife, who was torn between falling over in laughter and pummelling him for such a stupid joke. In the end, both sort of happened when he tripped in his cake mix and Kushina came tumbling after him, punching him harder than necessary in the chest while they both fell into dying gasps of hilarity as they ended up smeared in a sweet doughy mess.

\---

Zetsu was whispering in everyone’s ears, turning them against each other and plotting to bring Mother back. She would be so proud of all that he’d accomplished in her name, but even more than her pride he simply desired to bask in her presence. Ah, what delight, to turn Uchihas into tools so he could be by Mother’s side again. It would be the culmination of all shinobi history, the one reason he’d had to go through so many years alone.

“I’m going to destroy this world,” Zetsu cooed to himself, hoping Mother could hear from where she was. He was so caught up in his fantasy of being reunited with her that at first he didn’t notice the presence of the Yellow Flash behind him. When he did, however, it was too late.

“Hello, going to destroy this world,” Minato said proudly as Zetsu stared, dumbfounded, at the hole Minato’s Rasengan had made through his chest. “I’m Dad.”

\---

Goddamn kids, thinking they could outrun a jounin at Kakko’s level. He still couldn’t believe the little shits had managed to take back the little girl, but he wouldn’t allow a mistake like that to happen twice, Sharingan or no. He pressed his hands together, beginning with Tiger. He may not have been able to extract information from the girl, but hell if he’d let her get out alive after the humiliation her and her comrades had put him through. The next movement was Rat, and his lips curved up as the three Konoha shinobi began to run.

“I’m pretty sure that won’t help,” he called out, as he finished with Snake and the cave’s equilibrium was destroyed. There. The collapse would kill the lot of them and—

“Hello, pretty sure that won’t help,” a voice murmured in his ear as the coldness of a blade slid through his heart. “I’m Dad.”

He was gone before he could hear who Minato claimed to be, but that was alright. With four well-placed kunai, Minato was able to scoop up his three students and bring them to the entrance before anything could happen to any of them. Trembling, panting, and clinging to each other, Minato’s students were terrified at the fact that one of them could’ve died there. But it was okay—they crowded around Minato, hugging him and thanking him profusely, and they were safe.

\---

Madara lay at the Demonic Statue, seething in anger as he was forced to wait even longer. He’d been convinced that Obito Uchiha had been the perfect pawn, but there hadn’t been a single opportunity to snatch the happy, bright kid away from his teammates. At this point, the three of them were so close and had so much love between them that Madara knew he’d never get Obito. Not when Zetsu had mysteriously disappeared and he had no way of manipulating anyone else.

“I thought I sensed someone here last time a mission brought me close,” someone said, and Minato Namikaze picked his way to the Statue, his golden hair a point of brightness in the dark. If it were anyone else, Madara might’ve tried to use them, but he’d watched the newest Hokage and he knew Minato was nigh on incorruptible. Especially now that his fiery wife was pregnant and kept him wound on a thin leash, telling him that he needed to make the world safer for their child.

“I was a fool to think I could exert my influence, wasn’t I?” Madara asked, his voice rough with anger. “Hashirama’s grip on that damned village is too great.”

“I don’t think you were a fool for thinking that,” Minato said, very gently. “I don’t know what’s going on, but if I had to guess I’d say you’ve been alive for a long, long time. I imagine you’re wise, having lived for so long, and as far as I can see you’ve only done one foolish thing.”

“Which is?” Madara questioned bitterly, waiting for the Fourth to cut him with words the way Senjus did.

“Staying alive when you’re obviously suffering. If you’ve lived for many years, you’ve done your part and you’ve earned your rest. Leave the future to us—I promise we’ll handle it with care.”

Madara said nothing, lost in his thoughts for a very long time. It wasn’t like he had much choice, but the way Minato phrased it was kind, and he knew the man before him sought a world of peace. Perhaps his way would’ve been better, but since he’d never get the chance, he may as well take what Minato was offering.

“Very well. Before I go, however, I would like to tell you a story.”

Madara spoke to Minato, telling him everything that had happened between the Uchihas and the Senjus. Minato listened patiently, his face growing more sympathetic and understanding by the minute, and when Madara was finished he gave a resolute nod.

“Thank you for that. I know you have no reason to trust me, but I promise you that I will seek peace with the Uchihas for the injustices that have been done. I won’t allow them to fall into hatred or despair. In fact, Mikoto Uchiha just had a child, and since he’ll be around the same age as ours, I’m hoping the two of them can become friends!”

Madara levelled his gaze at Minato and found no trace of mockery or lies. Instead, all he found was sincerity and the desire to do better than his predecessors. Perhaps… perhaps Madara could find it in him to trust just one more Hokage. This would be the last one.

“I hope so as well,” he murmured, and Minato’s smile knew no bounds. “I know what you want to say, as well, so you might as well do it. Minato Namikaze, remember me. I’m Madara Uchiha.”

“Hello, Madara Uchiha,” Minato said, and his kindness was Madara’s last experience on earth. “I’m Dad.”

Then Minato gave Madara the peace he desired, and Madara’s soul tumbled joyfully into the arms of friends and family, who had long forgotten that they were supposed to hate each other.

\---

Orochimaru had finally discovered a way to preserve his life indefinitely. An immortality of sorts, and that of sorts was all Orochimaru cared for now. He’d successfully done the first body transfer, and now he was ready to begin seeking even better vessels. Sharingans, Rinnegans, Byakugans, kekkai genkais unrelated to eyes, kekkai genkais related to eyes but not one of the main three… there were so many possibilities. All he had to do was reach out and grab one.

He sat in his lab now, going through sheaves of paper on high-ranked specialized jounins, who were usually gifted with incredible powers. Should he go sensory next time? Tracking? Pure combat? The possibilities were endless, just as his ideas for improving his jutsu were. Eventually, he could even use those powers to singlehandedly take down the Leaf Village.

“Kabuto, where are those Konoha papers?” he hissed, not bothering to look up. His apprentice should already have the secret documents in hand; it wasn’t like the Anbu guards were all that talented. There was no answer from behind him, and Orochimaru began to grow annoyed with the silence, wondering if Kabuto was up to his old psychological mind games. The boy really needed to be taught a lesson.

“I’m getting impatient,” he snarled, swivelling his head to where his apprentice should be. Kabuto was there, of course, like he always was, but what Orochimaru hadn’t expected to see was another figure.

“You—”

“Hello, getting impatient,” the Fourth Hokage said with a grin as Kabuto slumped to the ground, unconscious. “I’m Dad.”

There was the sound of a kunai hitting the desk behind him, and then the only other sounds were Minato’s fist hitting Orochimaru’s face and Orochimaru hitting the floor.

Minato scooped the snake man up like a sack of potatoes, letting out a huff of exertion, and knelt to grab Kabuto too. With two of the most dangerous missing nins on his back, Minato sauntered back to the village and casually delivered them to Sarutobi. The dad joke was great, but Minato thought it was the look on Sarutobi’s face that made the mission truly worth it.

\---

Today was the day. _Today was the day_. _Todaywastheday_.

“Do you need anything? Um, water? Food? Hot bath? Soft blankets?”

“What I need is for you to shut your goddamn trap!” Kushina yelled, her hand clenching Minato’s so hard that he thought his bones would shatter. But that was okay, because their kid was coming. He (because Kushina was convinced it was a boy) was coming into this world _now_ , whether Kushina liked it or not. And if he was five days early and pissing his mother off, well, there wasn’t any way to scold him yet.

Minato did his best to help Kushina maintain the seal, but to be quite honest it didn’t seem like she needed his help. She was all fired up, her hair whipping across Minato’s nose and a sheen of sweat on her face, and _angry_ , because she claimed _‘That bastard fox is trying to make a move and, dammit, I won’t let him!_ ’ She fought with everything she had, biting off screams and moaning out insults whenever Minato tried to tell her to breathe or push. In the end, after nine months of waiting, their son decided he couldn’t wait a second longer and the labour ended after only thirty minutes.

A medical Anbu nin helped with the cord, placenta, and cleaning up (while Minato earned a soft punch for the horrified look he threw at the process), and sooner than he’d expected Minato was staring down at a tiny, naked mini-me. Kushina—hair dishevelled, skin sticky with sweat, lips dry from dehydration—held the baby with more gentleness than Minato had ever seen from her, and in that moment his wife had never looked as beautiful to him as the mother of their child.

“Our baby,” Kushina sobbed, overcome with emotion as tiny hands reached up and tugged at her hair. “He’s so beautiful. Minato, he’s…”

She dissolved into wracking sobs, nuzzling the baby as he gurgled happily and blew spit bubbles. Minato felt tears rising to his own eyes, happiness choking him so his throat was too tight to speak and all he could do was wrap his arms around his family and hold them tightly.

The world was a hard place, even though Minato had done his best to make it just a little safer. There was still the Akatsuki to worry about, still economic problems, political unrest, and shinobi with dark ambitions. But there was also this. This baby, who was a future waiting to unfurl, who was being born into a time after the War, where peace could flourish. Perhaps he’d be the one to stop the Akatsuki, begin the long road of repairing the Uchiha’s bond with the Village, find some way to keep the peace.

For now, though, all of that remained a distant future, because right now he was just a baby, and Kushina was just a mother, and Minato was just a father.

“His name is Naruto,” Kushina murmured, leaning her head on Minato’s shoulder as the two of them regarded their son with a love bigger than all other loves. Minato reached out, tears rimming his eyes, and set a warm hand on his son’s head.

“Hello, Naruto,” he said, him and Kushina both grinning. “I’m Dad.”


End file.
